I QUIT COFFEE (HELP ME)

My life now. (Image via Anne Taintor)

So as I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been weaning myself off coffee for almost a week.  It’s not going well.

This week, I cannot for the life of me remember anything.  The other night, Amy and I were on a walk, and I mentally grasped for the phrase that I now realize was “not to overstate the case” for a good 20 seconds.

“Not to … over reach?  Um … not to … say it too largely?  No, no … uh …”

Amy politely nodded.  The way I imagine one might with somebody who has dementia.

Have you tried this before, Reader?  To quit coffee, I mean. What was your experience? I also mentioned yesterday on Twitter that I fear I’m turning into my cat.  I see her napping for approximately eight hours a day, and suddenly, this seems brilliant.

Still, though.  I’m hanging in there for the benefits, because there are some.  Namely:

*Less anxiety

*Less sugar cravings (and less sugar intake overall, really)

*Less dark circles under my eyes

*Getting to brag high-mindedly that I’ve quit coffee

But I have to tell you, this light-headed, fuzzy-brained, fatigued-body nonsense is testing my patience. I skipped aerial silks tonight — my beloved silks! — because walking around the house proved challenging enough. (In lieu of exercise, I caught up on Mad Men.)

Husband assures me that it takes about a week to get back to normal, and then, you feel great. Which is basically what the Internet says too, with the exception of friends who staunchly disagree with my choice altogether.

Now, knowing that I’m not the cleansiest-cleanse-cleanse girl in town, BUT also knowing that I’ve juiced, fasted, and even Master Cleansed enough to be a self-respecting Austinite, you’d think this wouldn’t be so hard. But I guess I’m more addicted than I thought!  This is honestly the conversation my brain and I had with each other yesterday morning:

ME: Ok, so we’re going to write a blog post.

BRAIN: Aaslkjasoifroawe! Yaslkjsdfoswm! Kapow.

ME: No, seriously.

BRAIN: Haha, ok. Wait, what?  I think I’m drunk.

ME: C’mon! Get it together!  I need your help writing words, and sentences, and stuff!

BRAIN: Girl you asking the WRONG person, because I’m all checked out boo.

ME: No, you’re not “all checked out,” because I own you, and you are my brain, and when I say to think and form sentences and do all the things we normally do together, you act. We’re a team, remember?

BRAIN: LOLZ, ok.

ME: Alright. On the count of three, we’re going to type a blog post.

BRAIN: Ok I’m readys!

ME: One …

BRAIN: Let’s do this!

ME: Two …

BRAIN: Just kidding, gonna go SLEEP now. Zzzzzzzzzzz…..

ME: ———

And that is where we stand.

Anyway. I’m looking for alternative drinks that make me excited to get up in the morning. Husband is still trying to force-feed me his homemade kefir, and while I’ve managed to choke some down, let’s just say the best part of waking up is definitely not fermented milk in my cup.

I enjoy kombucha (but it’s a little too tart in the mornings), tea (but only if I doctor it up with delicious-making agents), and that’s about it. I’ve considered doing Teecino. Do any of you drink it?

And again, have any of you attempted this coffee-quitting thing?

Did it make you a touch cray-cray?